You Know You Live In Danville if...

Recently the Register and Rag, a daily fishwrap masquarading as a newspaper, printed an article on how you know you live in Danville. Here is my reply to it. (Some of these were donated by my kids.)

You Know You Live in Danville If

- “fine dining” means you go some place that actually serves the food on a plate.
- the streets are torn up every year just when school starts.
- utility bills resemble a Lexus payment.
- even the doctors won’t go to the hospital here.
- merge signs are merely a suggestion.
- “economic boom” is defined as a nickel increase in the price of scrap copper.
- the main newspaper is filled with news from yesterdays Richmond Times Dispatch.
- the age of your shoes are greater then the age of most Danville police officers.
- its easier to adopt a child then adopt a pet from the shelter.
- the Institute reminds you of Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz. A lot of bells and whistles but no one really knows what goes on behind the curtain.
- the streets are sprayed with water BEFORE an ice storm.
- the top job producer in the city is “demolition”.
- the school board could not pass a SOL test (Standards of Logic)
- restaurants serve food “deep fried” or “really deep fried”.
- The three largest religions are Baptist, Baptist, and NASCAR.
- Rotor Rooter is needed to clean out the arteries of the average citizen.
- the city needs a “multi media director” to produce the municipal version of the “Gong Show”.
- the city still collects trash the way they did in the 18th century.
- the day of judgment comes but you don’t worry since Danville is 10 years behind so you still have time.
- all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Danville Memorial Hospital back together again.
- you decide to move to the county so your kids will get a decent education.